tweet tweet tweet

As an update for the last post, I'll now have you know that CheapSexToys started following me on Twitter. First alcoholism, now sex. What the heck kind of image am I projecting?! Fuck me. (No really, I don't mean that in the sense you're thinking. Sick bitch, CheapSexToys should be following you).

Oh, you pretty things

My friend forced me to join Twitter. Yes, she forced me; moving on.

Looking at what people tweet, it's mostly a bunch of mind-numbing drivel like "I'm having an average night" and such other dull things as "going to the supermarket to buy toilet paper - fuck my ass". Blah blah blah, you tell the world what you're doing every 3 and a half minutes and think you're awesome.

I think I'm getting better with Twitter. I'm pro at replying to people, even placing their name so that it flows nicely with my miniscule little message (none of this hashtag name drop waffle waffle waffle). I follow Jim Carrey, which is pretty bad-ass, as it lulls me into a false sense of grandeur ("yeah fuck yeah I follow Jimbo, half the shit he gets up to really pumps my nads" *tweet tweet tweet*). I have a grand total of 7 followers (none of which are Jimbo, though) and have tweeted exactly 35 times since March 30th. Pretty sweet eh.

So the other night, I decided to disregard all my teachings of my Twitter-guru friend about drunken tweeting. Secretly, I'd had a few, and since I'm a hip young thing I tweeted about it. (Or just tweeted it? Fuck, I'm still not up to par with the lingo). My tweet was simply: 'Beer.'

However,

Some responsible dickheads thought they'd start me on a round of deep self-reflection on life/inebriation in general when they, addict voice, started following me. Addict voice? Now that sounds pretty hardcore. NO! Addict voice is a group of nice people who provide tips and support for those poor sods fighting alcoholism 'the non-AA way'.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Irony, you're a fuckin bitch sometimes.

Awkward times at concerts

So I went to Splore in February, and it was amazing.

There's something special about outdoor gigs for me - maybe it's cos I'm a tree-hugging hippy, or the fact that you sweat a whole lot less cos you're not in some fucking stupid little box with too many people breathing out too much hot carbon dioxide. I love concerts.

I was very much looking forward to Spektrum. I positioned myself right in the centre of the crowd - not too close to all the moshing lunatics, but close enough to see and hear just right. Unfortunately I happened to maneuver myself next to a girl of the exact proportions of me - which, as you may realise through the waif-like ways of my speech, she was surprisingly slim with limbs flailing about in reckless abandon.

You know that awkward time when you're on a date, and you accidently hit said dates' hand? It sends a jolt through your body - you're not sure if you should hold hands, or it's just one of those awkward conincidences. Well, I had this with said girl. It was weird. I know, we weren't on a date or anything.... But we may as well had have been, it was just as awkward as any date. Her hands just happened to be hanging at the same level as mine, and swinging at the same velocity and opposing direction of my right hand. It would not stop! It was as if our hands were keen on some erotic phalanges-sex. I knew she knew, too. I tried to step to the side, but to no avail. The crowd surged towards me, pushing same-hand girl into my side again. I felt so uncomfortable, I had to leave the show.

I'm hindsight, that's a pretty fucking stupid reason to leave a kick-ass concert. I'll just embrace the hand sex next time.

Fortuitous Friend File, episode 2

I have never met a Sam I didn't like.

1. Sam: I went to school with this one, and he is uproariously Asian. I mean it, hilarious. Because this Sam can't speak Chinese, yet he speaks English like he's only just learned it. I love him to pieces (ew, not literally) and can't be without him, ever. We played and sang More Than Words by Extreme for a school concert, which was totally rad. I wanted to go in costume, too, but was told that two brown kids looking like skinny white guys with zero hair maintenance skills would scare the little kids. It was a shame, I had wigs and everything.
   
   
2. Sam #2 was a few classes above me at school. He was always really lovely. Didn't talk much but it was ok cos he put all his words into awesome drawings. He had a nice face - my friend semi-dated him for a while. I think they were both each others firsts, which is lovely. One night he drew a portrait of her, and gifted it to her also. I don't think that ended too well.
   
   
3. This Sam works at my parents restaurant. I don't actually know him, but he has a really nice face. I like nice faces.
   
   
4. This Sam goes to uni. He hardly talks at all, but when he does, you know it's gonna be something life-changing and profound. He writes the best short reviews for movies. I don't think he talks much cos he has a slight stutter. Some girls were mocking him at one of our lectures one time. I thought they were dicks (still do). He is an avid facebooker, especially when he's drunk - and that's where the truth comes out. He told me I was pretty, but apologised that nothing could go further due to the fact that he was gay. Dang it!
   
   
5. This Sam is a girl. She is a mega hippy boho chick, which I think is rad cos whoever can pull off their own look is the Dude in my eyes. She seems pretty weird, but what's wrong with that? Nada. Absolutely nothing.
   
   
6. You know that family friend who you've grown up with that suddenly becomes really attractive? I realised I had a crush on this Sam when I caught myself staring at his package one evening, but that backfired in my face cos he said I was like his sister. Fml. Now, we are homies. I'm glad it never went further than that. We'd have some weird-looking kids if it had come to fruition.
   
   
7. This Sam has cancer. I hung out with him for one night, then a few weeks later I found out he was in chemo. Shock! I would have never known - we just pranced about talking in Cockney accents one night, photo-whored, drank beer and thought we were pretty suave. He is really good at accents.
   
   
8. I have no idea where this Sam is, I know he's on the other side of the world somewhere. This Sam was the school clown. Somehow everyone knew him. He was much like Asian Sam, only brown and Maori. You could never understand what he was saying, but he was gangly and awkward so the equation of mumble mumble+lanky+maori was entirely hilarious. Apparently he was snapped at work having a broom sword fight with a co-worker. Dunno what eventuated out of that (I think he got fired?).

If anybody else knows a cool Sam, tell me bout him/her. We can chuckle together.

Up next on the Fortuitous Friend Files: David

Lies

I am no stranger to cyber stalking. C'mon, neither are you. I always learn something new from others' blogs. For example, today I learned of the word:

affectation

A good friend of mine recently joined me in the ranks at Unitec. Thus far, she is not really enjoying herself. She tells me her class is really boring. This one particular day (the one where you do all that awkward meeting-and-greeting), she got up in front of her class and said she was from Argentina. Which is absolute bullshit, she's just another white Kiwi girl who happens to look slightly exotic in the facial area. She felt she needed to deny her roots in order to lessen the massively boring class situation.

You can't really fault her logic...

I don't know how she's gonna keep that up though. She doesn't even look Spanish. But hey, if MJ looked Caucasian, anything goes.

Is it really necessary to lie? I think so. Everybody lies, every day. It's pretty funny, whoever coined the term "Honesty is the best policy" must be feeling pretty fucking douchey right now.

Confused.

Lately my gaydar has been off. Really off. Or there's a secret sexual revolution happening. I dunno; it's confusing. I'm normally pretty good with that kind of pychic-ness, but lately I find myself prone to liking these wonderful guys who I later find out are actually gay. Strange. Better get to Family Bar, asap. And be more womanly, also - some one told me that the shorter a girls hair is, the more interested she is in more feminine guys. Shit. All my guy mates have longer hair than I do...